You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
