dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
