You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
