saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
