Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
