my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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