Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
