Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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