My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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