the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
