he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
