He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like a drive thru vagina
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
