And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
