cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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