dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it was like eating out sand paper
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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