"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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