My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
