Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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