Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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