quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
