I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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