My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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