I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
