i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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