dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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