Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
