if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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