HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I don't think brook has ever known best
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
time to smoke my breakfast
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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