you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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