I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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