I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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