Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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