i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
