Non-Jews are for practice
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
how drunk are you?
Several
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
