Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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