weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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