you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
