I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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