i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
