I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You work out of a Hotel?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
