Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
