just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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