I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
