I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
