She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
