you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
