I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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