i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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