I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
