party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
