OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize