I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
